Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
You Might Also Like
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream