I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Simple enough.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills