dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
sleeping beauty
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.