My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
You Might Also Like
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice