Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I am having an out of money experience.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20