Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*