Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
HR said no more nunchucks.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now