Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.