keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
You sure about that?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins