They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.