i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.