Love thy neighbor’s dog
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists