Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?