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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I only look at Wordle for the articles
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss