Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life