My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
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Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down