I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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Oh, I bet you would be
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air