6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.