My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Boating season is upon us.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I only treason on days ending in y
Money is the root of all wealth
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on