[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
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Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Whoa 😂
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
are there any atheist mantises?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
consequences, the bane of my existence
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.