“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Are we there yet?…
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills