Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
“OMGJK” -atheists
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Lmfao
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani