HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions