The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
you gotta be faster
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it