“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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i hope my email finds you on fire
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
lmfao
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.