“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Just me?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm