Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.