Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
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[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.