Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
me and the Superbowl rn
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
#ProTip
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.