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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Education is vital
i now pronounce you bounced.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*