me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’