me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
You Might Also Like
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.