therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*