I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
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(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Mhm.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue