I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses