[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.