Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
584.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint