13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.