*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?