wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Duolingo getting serious.