One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.