Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”