I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine