Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon