The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
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Them: Just act casual
Me:
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses