I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
You Might Also Like
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
🤭😂
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.