oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?