bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me