#Caturday
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Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.