Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?